How long does infidelity last

While sexuality is not the determining factor in such differentiation, the issue of faithfulness, exclusion, deception and betrayal are. Similarly, there is some confusion between infidelity, an affair and extramarital sexuality. Many couples in many cultures seem to accept infidelity as part of the culture and unavoidable aspect of marriage. These couples do not face a crisis when the infidelity is exposed. Another example is a man who discovers his homosexuality in the later part of his marriage and comes to an agreement with his wife that they will stay married but both will pursue extramarital sexual relationships.

In this example, extramarital sexual relationships are neither associated with betrayal or unfaithfulness nor do they involve deceit and secrecy. During their professional careers, most marriage and couples psychotherapists have dealt with marital crises brought about by affairs.

While extramarital affairs are very common, couples psychotherapists are often uninformed about how to address the infidelity crisis. The professional literature in the last couple of decades has provided increasingly helpful information and assistance to therapists by presenting statistics and data, mapping the complexities of marital infidelity and articulating helpful models to assist couples through the crisis.

Many authors in this area ground their work in Systems Theory, Family Systems, sex research, personality theory and Social Psychology. They also adopt theories and research generated by sociologists, anthropologists and evolutionary psychologists. However, some authors adopt a moralistic and rigid view of affairs. The latter approach may be more harming than helping for couples in crisis as it often focuses on one-sided blame to the exclusion of the marital, sociological, evolutionary and technological i.

Internet roots of modern affairs. Another major misperception among lay people and psychotherapists is that extramarital relationships are never consensual and are always harming to the marital relationships.

Some couples have reached a consensus regarding extramarital sexual relationships, as is the case when one partner has decided to pursue gay relationships with the consent of the partner.

Consent to extramarital sexual relationships can be passive or active; it can implicit or explicit. This paper emphasizes the importance of understanding the nature and context of each affair and each couple so that healing and resolution can be achieved. Following are some of the most common myths or faulty beliefs about extramarital affairs and infidelity Research findings debunking these myths are presented in the next section and throughout this paper :.

Following are some basics facts about marital affairs and infidelity that often contradict and debunk the above myths:. Top of Page. Researchers, psychologists, anthropologists and clinicians significantly differ in their approaches to dealing with infidelity. Their views on infidelity effect their rationales for the causes and significantly color their proposed solutions.

The different approaches are not mutually exclusive and, except for 2, the moralistic view, complement each other. Following are brief descriptions of the different approaches to marital affairs. They shy away from blame and focus on issues of intimacy, communication, expectations, agreements and conflict management in the marriage. They look carefully at the familial legacy of each partner and pay attention to the phases of the marriage, i. This approach contends that strengthening the marriage and increasing the quality of communication and intimacy can reduce the chance of infidelity.

This approach also views the infidelity crisis as an opportunity for individual growth and a chance for strengthening and solidifying the marriage. The systems view also takes into consideration that the affair may serve the supposedly betrayed spouse. Some partners may even encourage the spouse to have an affair, as is the case with gay spouses who wish to avoid sexual entreaties from their partners by encouraging them to instead satisfy their sexual needs with others.

The Moral-Puritan View: Affairs, in this view, are seen as primarily individual, sinful and immoral acts of betrayal and therefore are likely to irreversibly damage marriages unless the betrayer fully confesses, repents and atones. Authors and therapists who take this puritanical-moralistic, often religiously based, position, generally view the betrayed partner as an innocent victim and put almost exclusive emphasis on the spiritual, emotional and relational rehabilitation of the betrayer.

It also attends to issues, such as middle-aged crisis, and often does emphasize marital discord as a significant causal factor in the affair. Cultural View: Affairs, in this view, are not seen as inherently pathological but are a quite normal and even a healthy part of marriage with some people or certain classes in certain cultures.

Along these lines, the anthropological view also cites the Middle Eastern harem and many polygamous cultures as examples of cultures where multiple or extramarital partners are an accepted and normal practice, especially and often only for men. Monogamy in the animal kingdom is so rare that those romantic Hallmark cards with pictures of swans or other types of lovebirds should more accurately feature the flatworm. To a degree, on the other side of the debate is anthropologist Dr.

Modern Culture and Media as a Promotional Culprit of Infidelity Affairs, in this view, are seen as a result of a permissive, modern, mass media culture that subtlety promotes affairs in the same way as it promotes violence. We live in a society that is preoccupied with sex and commercializes this sexuality in any way and form possible. The Internet and its booming pornographic and sexual businesses have probably contributed not only to an epidemic of online affairs but also to real life affairs, as well.

Affairs come in different formats. Not all affairs are the same: they serve different purposes, are carried on by different types of people, fueled by a variety of motivations and having different impacts. One of the most apparent weaknesses in infidelity research and scholarly writing is the lack of differentiation between types of affairs. This has often lead to inaccurate, misleading and unhelpful generalizations or stat averages regarding the nature, implications and what constitutes effective intervention with affairs.

Understanding the individual, biographical, familial, marital and cultural-anthropological etiology of affairs is crucial to planning effective intervention. The types described below are neither always mutually exclusive nor presented in order of importance or frequency.

Conflict Avoidance Affairs: Men or women who go to any lengths to avoid any and all marital conflicts sometimes resort to affairs to have their needs, which were not expressed to their spouses, met. This type of affair usually does not last long and may repeat itself several times during the marriage. The affair serves as an emotional-relational barrier in the marriage. This type of affair also usually does not last long and may repeat itself several times during the marriage.

When both members of the couple are intimacy avoiders, this type affair can, in fact, help some couples sustain an emotionally distant marriage. Individual Existential or Developmental Based Affair: Middle-age crises, empty nest, depression, sense of emptiness are factors that can fuel an affair. A partner may turn to an extramarital affair as a way to affirm their sense of masculinity or femininity.

Sexual Addiction Affairs: Sexual addicts, like any addicts, are compulsive and display poor impulse control. Generally, among married couples, men are sexual addicts more often than women. Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release often comes with a price — feelings of shame and worthlessness.

Accidental-Brief Affairs: This type of affair is neither planned nor characteristic of the person. Curiosity, pity, drunkenness, and even politeness may lead to such a brief and often never to be repeated affair. Narcissistic and impulsive individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity.

Philanderers perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or status and often take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms. This may be payback for the other person having an affair, withholding money, love, emotion or any another perceived wrongdoing.

Bad Marriage Affairs: This kind of affair is a direct result of a bad marriage with poor communication, intimacy, support or sexuality.

It can also arise from incompatible cultural and familial values. Dissatisfied spouses who experience their partners as emotionally or sexually withholding or view their partners as easily sexualizing others or as moody are especially vulnerable to affairs. This can be a conscious or unconscious act intended to ensure that a backup relationship is in place before leaving the original marriage. The left-partner often blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.

Parallel Lives Affairs: These kinds of affairs include those who are involved in long term extramarital relationships while continuing to be part of the original marital dyad. Such extramarital relationships are often known, accepted or tolerated by the spouse and other family members but are neither addressed nor talked about. Online Affairs: Online affairs have become extremely prevalent since the inception of the Internet and the proliferation of online dating, chatrooms and pornography.

Some have argued that online affairs pose the biggest threat to modern marriage since women entered the work force. Hundreds of thousands of web sites are primarily or exclusively designed to promote and financially benefit from pornography and eroticism and their frequent derivative, online affairs. Online affairs may include watching partners online on video, communication via Instant Messaging, chatrooms, simple emails or via the telephone.

Online affairs can be even more disruptive than any other form of affair because it can take place any time of the day or night and often takes place in the family home. The fact that there is no actual physical contact during the sexual act often intensifies the relationship and increases its potential to be highly disruptive to the individual and the family.

The frequency of this form of affair is likely to increase as the Internet grows and intrudes upon more aspects of personal and emotional lives. Consensual Extramarital Sexual Relationships: Sometimes the extramarital relationships are explicitly incorporated into the marriage life. Many couples in many cultures seem to accept infidelity as part of their marriage. An example of a consensual extramarital affair is the case when one spouse discovers later on in the marriage that they are gay but the couple decide to stay married for reasons that range from deep care and love for each other, children or taxes.

In such a case, the couple may decide to preserve the marriage and that each person may pursue extramarital sexual relationships. Emotional vs. Sexual: Some authors have differentiated between emotional vs. The prediction is that before long they will initiate affairs as frequently as men. Research on gender differences in infidelity shows that the first few years of marriage are clearly a red zone.

It reveals two distinct patterns in the timing of affairs. Men have two high-risk phases, one during the first five years of marriage and again, after the 20th year. However in modern western cultures, the discovery of an affair often leads to a marital crisis.

The literature about the crisis of affairs seems to consistently indicate that couples go through certain quite predictable phases in dealing with affairs. Following are the descriptions of certain phases that many couples go through when dealing with the crisis of a marital affair. Initial Dealing with the Affair General Description:. Sometimes friends of those who have had affairs and have ended up being part of the cover up or in other roles, also report distress in therapy.

Regardless of how the affair is introduced in therapy, therapists must attend to the following important issues:. Seeing affairs ONLY as a personal failure of you or your spouse or your particular marriage inevitably leads to personal blame, personal shame, wounded pride, and almost universal feelings of devastation.

Self-help strategies alone seldom bring full recovery from this experience, either as a couple or individually. Recovery depends on getting beyond our strictly personal view of affairs and gaining an understanding of them within a broader framework.

Skip to content New Customer? Search for:. CE Courses by Subject. Required Courses. View by CE Credit Hours. Author Name.

July 4th SALE! Live Case Consultation Group with Dr. Free Webinar! Free CE Webinar! Learning objectives After attending this course, participants will be able to Describe the benefits of an autism diagnosis at any age. Identify features of autism in adolescent, adult, and aged adult clients. Discuss red flags for autism spectrum disorder.

Identify therapeutic interventions for autistic clients to promote best outcomes. Learning objectives: After attending this webinar, participants will be able to: Describe the framework of addiction and how it impacts the couple system.

Design interventions that meet the goal of increasing empathy and decreasing shame. Apply specific techniques to shift the couple system and facilitate change.

This webinar is FREE but registration is required. Learning objectives: After attending this webinar, participants will be able to: Define post-traumatic growth Discuss the fundamental components of post-traumatic growth Describe the ways in which post-traumatic growth emerges through adversity and crisis Summarize the ways in which post-traumatic growth can be enhanced and encouraged Webinar outline Introduction What Is Post-Traumatic Growth?

Learning objectives Describe the framework of addiction and how it impacts the couple system. New Customer? Introduction Infidelity, contrary to what most people assume, is neither rare nor exclusively male behavior nor is it certain to end the marriage.

Infidelity Myths Following are some of the most common myths or faulty beliefs about extramarital affairs and infidelity Research findings debunking these myths are presented in the next section and throughout this paper : An affair inevitably destroys the marriage. Human beings are naturally monogamous. Monogamy is the norm in our society and most other societies. Society, as a whole, supports monogamy. Men initiate almost all affairs.

An affair always means there are serious problems in the marriage. Infidelity is a sign that sex is missing or unsatisfactory at home. Women are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy in their marriages while men, on the other hand, will do it just for sex.

Telling all the details of the affair to the betrayed spouse will help heal the marriage. Affairs should always be disclosed to the un-involved partner regardless of the potential for domestic violence or even murder when such disclosure take place. Men are more concerned about their romantic partners having passionate sex with someone else, while women are more concerned that their partners are falling-in-love with someone else.

Most people are monogamous, so an affair indicates a moral failure, character deficiency and a failure of the marriage. People generally seek in an affair what they do not get at home from their spouse. Concerns about AIDS will reduce the frequency of affairs. Marital sex is always safe sex. Internet sex and Internet infidelity are not considered extramarital affairs. Extramarital affairs are never consensual. Top of Page Infidelity Facts Following are some basics facts about marital affairs and infidelity that often contradict and debunk the above myths: Most couples survive the affair rather than end up in divorce.

Many couples, in fact, come out of the infidelity crises stronger and more committed. Society gives lip service to monogamy, but actually supports affairs through role-models, advertisements, TV, news media, literature and the movies. Infidelity is an equal opportunity issue that cuts across gender lines, educational levels, sexual orientation, social and economic class and culture.

Infidelity is a choice. Non-monogamous relationships are common in some gay communities. Some gay couples consciously, intentionally and systematically negotiate non-monogamous relationships. The effect of infidelity can be negative, neutral or positive. Jealousy is biologically wired and also socially constructed. Modern western cultures tend to over-emphasize the importance of monogamy in marriage in comparison to values such as kindness and compassion.

Many individuals who get involved in an affair have not been able to go beyond the romantic unrealistic and often short term ideal or falling-in-love phase that often characterizes the first phase of romantic relationships. Sexual infidelity by a woman, either actual or suspected, significantly increases the likelihood of spousal battering and spousal homicide.

No marriage is immune from affairs. Preventing infidelity requires ongoing, honest communication and commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy, among other measures. As infidelity takes place in a certain social, historical and evolutionary context, no couple can fully understand why an affair happens by looking only at their own marriage.

Some of the estimates in the United States are: 1 in every 2. Narcissistic individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity. While some of those who were involved in affairs report high marital satisfaction, research has shown, not surprisingly, a general inverse correlation between marriage satisfaction and infidelity. People having affairs tend to rationalize their behavior, and a part of that rationalization is ignoring or denying the possibility of any negative consequences, such as divorce or acquiring STD.

Many researchers have found out that one can feel a strong attachment to the spouse and still be madly attracted to and romantically in love with someone else. Contrary to one commonly held view, many people who report being in happy marriages commit adultery. Generally affairs that take place earlier on in the marriage are more highly correlated with dissatisfaction than those that take place later on in the marriage.

Men in long-term marriages, who had affairs, had very high marital satisfaction. On the other hand, women in long-term marriages who had an affair had very low marital satisfaction. Some research reports that extramarital sex can increase sexual activity within the marriage. The hydraulic pump theory that there is only that much sexual energy available and it is spent outside the marriage with nothing left for the spouse, has been debunked by several researchers.

Some affairs are better kept secret. Not all affairs must be disclosed. Cheating is undeniably one of the most difficult things that you and your spouse could ever face. Maybe your spouse had an emotional affair. You probably still have love for your spouse, but is love enough? It won't take long, the process is clear, and customer support will help you with any questions. When it comes to saving your relations, marriage counseling is your single greatest resource. If your partner simply refuses to give it a try, then you have a big problem on your hands.

We encourage you to look into professional help for yourself at that point, so that you can avoid some of the biggest mistakes that newly separated people make. This scenario is the epitome of adding insult to injury.

Once your trust is eroded by an affair, even small lies can be really triggering, because they remind you of the betrayal you experienced.

However, if your spouse points to other people to justify why they cheated, your relationship might not be worth saving. This might be a dealbreaker no matter who they say is to blame, though. The collective wisdom of those who have been in your position before can give you insight into possible next steps.

Alsaleem also tells injured clients that they can ask anything they want about the affair. But before they ask, he helps them determine whether the question will help them understand what type of affair it was or why the affair happened. If so, then it is a fair question, he says. He advises counselors to ask clients what they are trying to learn about the story with their questions and help them figure out if these questions are the best way to obtain that information while avoiding further traumatization.

Affairs can evoke intense emotions in session, especially when discussing the affair story. You can both ask for a timeout as well. Meyer also uses her own body language — such as scooting up in her chair or standing up — if clients start yelling uncontrollably, or she physically separates them for a few minutes by having them take turns going to the restroom or getting a glass of water.

These subtle changes help clients calm down and not get stuck in fighting, she explains. Usatynski, an ACA member who specializes in couples therapy, approaches infidelity counseling differently from couples therapy where betrayal is not the presenting issue. In ordinary couples therapy, she strives to keep therapy as balanced as possible, focusing equally on the complaints of both partners and the unresolved issues that each brings to the relationship.

But when infidelity is involved, she intentionally creates an imbalance of power and initially allows the injured party to have all of the power. This treatment works only if the offending party expresses true regret for the harm they have caused their partner and expresses a genuine desire to rebuild the relationship, Usatynski adds.

When betrayal is the presenting issue, this method requires that clients move through three phases as they process and attempt to repair their relationship. The first phase addresses the trauma the injured client has experienced by allowing them to express all of their emotions about the betrayal.

The partner who was betrayed can also ask any question they want about the affair during this phase, and the offending partner has to answer honestly. Many therapists who work with betrayal are concerned about the injured partner being traumatized by finding out the truth, Usatynski says.

She admits this is a valid concern, so therapists should support the injured partner throughout the process. However, she advises that therapists not shy away from the truth coming out because, as she explains, the only way to repair the relationship or build something new is with total transparency. If clients are hesitant to ask about the affair, therapists need to explore this hesitation with them.

During this initial phase, the offending partner has no power to negotiate. They must simply sit and endure the rage and inquiry of the person whom they betrayed, Usatynski explains. The second phase of PACT involves the offending partner providing the betrayed with whatever support is needed to correct the injury to the attachment bond between them, Usatynski says.

This phase could involve declarations of commitment, appreciation or praise, as well as loving actions on the part of the offending partner. However, only the injured partner can decide what behaviors are reparative, she explains. The goal of this phase is resolution. When Usatynski notices a client showing signs of dysregulation e. Between one in four to five Americans have an affair in their lifetime.

While divorce can be the best option for some couples, others may experience divorce regret in the future. According to a study conducted by Seddans, a law firm in the U. However, you can choose whether or not to trust your partner again. Rebuilding trust is possible.

It does take a lot of work, and both partners have to be committed to healing the relationship. Here are some ways to repair the relationship and learn from the experience, according to experts.

There are many reasons for infidelity such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction.